Show up for yourself

Show up for yourself, like how you show up for everybody else

I recently listened to an audio book about self-love and the message that stuck was “show up for yourself”.

It resonated with me because I always find myself showing up for others that I leave no time for self. No time to take a break, no time to do what I want, no time to declutter my environment or my head.

Up to this point, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me viewing time with friends and family as a “duty” in the sense that I am required to be there for them. It is almost like a default mode that I go into when I am with others. I focus on how I can support them through whatever they are experiencing. I listen. I coach. I lose my sense of self and desire in the conversations. This is why I often feel drained after a meeting because I have “given”. I cannot even call this an interaction or an exchange because when it comes to my own problems, they are often minimised or I choose not to share because I think people have enough going on without having to deal with mine.

Digging into this behaviour deeper, I start to find that I value myself on how much I am helping others and put zero value on self-care. In other words, when I am offering support, my ego scores points like Super Mario finding coins. Oh, that ego boost of “I am a nice person” feels so great in that fleeting moment. I have realised now that this had been a game that I started playing since little and have not stopped playing until recently, until I was completely burnt out.

Lying in bed, all parts of my body were screaming “change” as I wallowed in exhaustion and felt a deep sense of hollowness. “Who am I? Why am I this way? What do I truly value?” were the questions I started asking myself. And “How do I change?”

So I went on rewiring myself. Firstly, I had to do the opposite of what I have been doing, i.e. prioritising myself, saying yes to my needs first, no to others and a big no to what I think I “should” do. For example, cancelling a meeting with friends because I don’t have the energy or choosing to sleep in instead of waking up for the early morning gym routine. I started to learn how to give my body and mind what I need. Secondly and more importantly, I had to change what is driving my behaviour. For example, instead of basing my self-worth on what I have done for others or how much I have achieved today, I give myself the love and attention because of who I am. I started to believe that I am enough.

This is no easy feat as I try to reverse 20-something years of behaviours and beliefs. So I remind myself that this is a muscle I gotta train with dedication, love and patience. To my surprise, still very much at the beginning of the journey, I have found myself better, happier, more content whatever you would like to call this. I cannot say fully gone are the days when I think of how much I have achieved today but I can feel that I am a more loving and compassionate person and I spend less time and energy worrying about how “good” my ego looks.

So what are you doing today to show up for yourself?