Do You Have a Harsh Self-Critic?

That was me for 29 years of my life. I had a harsh self-critic who acted as my most trusted friend, who guided and motivated me to do and to achieve. Not a day would it let me rest. Not a day would it not get upset when I make a mistake. Not a day would it be pleased that I have got a win because it needed to constantly remind me that “I can be better”. The “I am not good enough” tape is played on repeat and has turned into the greatest hit of all time “never good enough”. I didn’t know how else I would motivate myself. I didn’t know how else I could achieve. I didn’t know how else I could live my life. Until…

Until my body and mind have hit exhaustion. Enough was me trying to satisfy this harsh self-critic. Enough was hearing the message of “love yourself” over and over again but not believing in it.

When I tried to get rid of this self-critic, it would say “But you don’t know how to achieve without me”, “You need me remember”, “You are nothing without my help”.

Writing this down on paper brings me clarity as I can see if this self-critic was a friend of mine, they would have been long gone. This is the definition of a toxic relationship. The amount of guilt-tripping and put downs is consistent and mean. The side-line ex post facto comments of “See I told you so” or “You know you shouldn’t have…” are unhelpful.

Yet so many of us go to bed with this self-critic, hug it close and let it whisper in our ears. Why would we put ourselves under such torture? …because of fear.

We hold onto this “friend” because we are afraid of failures. We put ourselves under the spotlight, on the podium for ridicule before other people can judge or criticise us. We are afraid there is no other way to live.

In my law degree, I learnt about the battered woman syndrome. This is where women continually stay in relationships where they get physically and/or emotionally abused by their partners. At the time of studying it, I found it hard to comprehend why women would not get themselves out of the situation. Now I can empathise more, not because having a relationship with a harsh self-critic is anything comparable to the battered woman syndrome but more because we are trapped in thinking that we deserve the abuse and there is no other way to live. And the only way out of it for us both is to get out, leave the abuser behind and start living a different life. Without getting out, we will not able to find evidence to the contrary that we can live a different and better life, and that we can achieve just as much if not more without this “friend”.

I suggest starting with 1) noticing the critic in you as awareness is always the first step to change and 2) mindfully building a more self-compassionate self-loving voice, e.g. swap out “See I told you so” with “Yes I have made a mistake and everyone makes mistake, no one is perfect. Next time is another chance for me to do better and I am grateful that I have learnt a lesson this time.”

For more self-compassion practices, refer to Dr Kristin Neff’s work :)